Tag Archives: family

Juggle It All

So this is the third blog post that I will have written today. My life went from boring as can be to busy as a bee in the matter of a few weeks. I got into work early today and had the office to myself. It was nice to turn up my music and start my daily grind. I made some decent headway into the project. I am consciously slowing myself down and taking things piece by piece, which is something I have to learn in all areas of my life. I tend to take on much more than I can actually handle, and it is cause a lot of stress and unhappiness. I think I am making a resolution or goal for myself to limit myself and stop overcommitting. It is really hard for me to say no to good opportunities. It’s like that Yes Man movie with Jim Carrey where he is only able to answer yes to questions. Good things really do start happening when we open ourselves up to the universe, but it can be overwhelming to manage everything.

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This weekend, it will be crucial for me to organize and strategize my plan of action. I have two volunteer internships that are an per-event basis, a new part-time job, a work study job, 12 credit hours of school, recovery, relationships and leisure. I enjoy all of these things in my life that I am trying so hard to balance, but I know I could trim up  my schedule a bit (or a lot). I like to stay busy, but I think I fear losing out on things. It tends to be one of my character defects that I overwhelm myself to please others and to feed my fear of failure. I don’t want to fill that hole up more than it needs, so I know I need to loosen up and take some risks. Risks that involve not committing myself to new opportunities…risking on losing out. If it were a perfect world, I would just have my career, some volunteer positions, recovery, family, relationships and leisure (emphasis on this)…or a clone who could double my efforts, but it isn’t a perfect world and there is only one of me. It is exciting to feel like I am moving forward.

The founder/CEO and I had a lunch date today so that he could “download” all of his ideas for the project onto my mind. He is an interesting dude, and I enjoy hearing his vision, but sometimes even he can get too abstract and difficult for me to follow. I’m usually that person, but seeing it in the person across the table from me was a different experience. I realized that it’s great to be intelligent and have innovative ideas, but too many start to become unmanageable. Part of my job will be managing his ideas, clients and plans. That seems like a big job, and I honestly feel that he could do those things for himself. It seems insulting for me to take care of his personal responsibilities instead of directing my talents towards more productive endeavors. I am at an entry level position, but I am an A-type with a strong personality and a big thinker. I guess I just want to keep my side of the street clean, which makes it frustrating to have to worry about cleaning up his side.

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I was very mindful today at work. I am practicing integrating the tools I get from my meditations into my everyday tasks, and I find that it does center my focus and ground me in the present moment. I check in with myself and assess what my overall mood is at that moment. The first step is being aware, so I feel good that I am working on that. I know it will take a lot of practice to become fully mindful, but I am making progress as I continue along my Headspace journey. I have to use the tools that I am already equipped with, and ultimately I have to put my trust and faith in my higher power. So far it is working, but I would like to start advocating for myself more.

Confluence

While working on homework last night, I became very distracted by my younger sister and mom arguing upstairs. As I sat on my laptop clicking through emails and writing to-do lists on my legal pad, I had to use every fiber in my being not to run upstairs and shut them up. I did not even know what their disagreement was over, but I did not like the way that my sister was yelling and treating our mom, and I did not like that my mom was taking it. I love the convenience of living at home, but sometimes it can be really stressful. I have a tendency to own the feelings and actions of my mom and sister, and that gets me into trouble. This time, I had to bear it the best that I could.

I quickly texted my life coach, Jen, about what was going on, and waited for a reply.  I sent her three long paragraphs detailing the crazy  family drama, and she replied an hour later stating, “Ignore it.” Well, that was what I had done…it was all that I could do to be somewhat sensible, but inside I was fuming. I replied to her text with a “Thanks…”, which could have been interpreted numerous ways. By this point I was reading a textbook in bed, and I let my phone drop into the mass of blankets and pillows around me hoping that it would be lost forever. I felt hurt. I felt like she didn’t care, but more than anything I was confused. My expectations to get a warm and fuzzy message to simply affirm my beliefs was not received, and I felt let down. I went back to my book and let the thoughts fade away with every passing tick-tock on my wall clock. I strongly dislike that helpless feeling I get in my relationships when I feel myself forming resentments.

Later that night, I talked to someone about my mom and sister, and I decided to bring up my frustration with Jen and I’s relationship. It did not occur to me that I was not helpless and there was something that I needed to do: communicate my frustrations. What a novel idea!  I just expected her to understand me and how I felt without giving her any insight or feedback on my personal experience. I rushed home and sent her a strong, heartfelt message. It was nerve wracking, but it had to be done. She replied back with compassion, kindness, and understanding. My stomach knot released, and my heart lightened. All of the build up began to escape with my out breaths. We made plans to get together at the end of the week to catch up.

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I always love experiencing points of confluence in my life between separate entities. As I previously mentioned, I am reading Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, COO at Facebook. Before bed and after telling Jen goodnight, I read the chapter “Seek and Speak Your Truth.” Having mentors, bosses, friends, and family teaches us the most important thing in relationships is good communication. When I put my feelings out on the table, as hard is that may be, problems get solved. Too often, we stifle these gut feelings, and things worsen quickly. Part of being mindful is getting in touch with not only my mind, but also my physical sensations. I believe that many of my emotional qualities manifest into my physical being, so doing body scans and being aware of my own body allows me to grow and improve. It is painful at times, and I have fears that people will not like me or my feelings are unimportant, but I am finally seeing how untrue that is.