Tag Archives: fear

Juggle It All

So this is the third blog post that I will have written today. My life went from boring as can be to busy as a bee in the matter of a few weeks. I got into work early today and had the office to myself. It was nice to turn up my music and start my daily grind. I made some decent headway into the project. I am consciously slowing myself down and taking things piece by piece, which is something I have to learn in all areas of my life. I tend to take on much more than I can actually handle, and it is cause a lot of stress and unhappiness. I think I am making a resolution or goal for myself to limit myself and stop overcommitting. It is really hard for me to say no to good opportunities. It’s like that Yes Man movie with Jim Carrey where he is only able to answer yes to questions. Good things really do start happening when we open ourselves up to the universe, but it can be overwhelming to manage everything.

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This weekend, it will be crucial for me to organize and strategize my plan of action. I have two volunteer internships that are an per-event basis, a new part-time job, a work study job, 12 credit hours of school, recovery, relationships and leisure. I enjoy all of these things in my life that I am trying so hard to balance, but I know I could trim up ┬ámy schedule a bit (or a lot). I like to stay busy, but I think I fear losing out on things. It tends to be one of my character defects that I overwhelm myself to please others and to feed my fear of failure. I don’t want to fill that hole up more than it needs, so I know I need to loosen up and take some risks. Risks that involve not committing myself to new opportunities…risking on losing out. If it were a perfect world, I would just have my career, some volunteer positions, recovery, family, relationships and leisure (emphasis on this)…or a clone who could double my efforts, but it isn’t a perfect world and there is only one of me. It is exciting to feel like I am moving forward.

The founder/CEO and I had a lunch date today so that he could “download” all of his ideas for the project onto my mind. He is an interesting dude, and I enjoy hearing his vision, but sometimes even he can get too abstract and difficult for me to follow. I’m usually that person, but seeing it in the person across the table from me was a different experience. I realized that it’s great to be intelligent and have innovative ideas, but too many start to become unmanageable. Part of my job will be managing his ideas, clients and plans. That seems like a big job, and I honestly feel that he could do those things for himself. It seems insulting for me to take care of his personal responsibilities instead of directing my talents towards more productive endeavors. I am at an entry level position, but I am an A-type with a strong personality and a big thinker. I guess I just want to keep my side of the street clean, which makes it frustrating to have to worry about cleaning up his side.

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I was very mindful today at work. I am practicing integrating the tools I get from my meditations into my everyday tasks, and I find that it does center my focus and ground me in the present moment. I check in with myself and assess what my overall mood is at that moment. The first step is being aware, so I feel good that I am working on that. I know it will take a lot of practice to become fully mindful, but I am making progress as I continue along my Headspace journey. I have to use the tools that I am already equipped with, and ultimately I have to put my trust and faith in my higher power. So far it is working, but I would like to start advocating for myself more.